Alright, I’ll go out on a limb here by assuming that the Chinese roasters were targeting a specific sociodemographic layer of our modern society by calling this brew DINKEY COFFEE. DINKY stands for Double Income, No Kids Yet. But if this rather technical brand name lacks convincing emotional-suggestive shelf appeal, so the tag line tries to make up for it: Swellish coffee takes you into the classic leisure romantic life. Of having plenty of dough, but no kids, I guess.
The eternal struggle of many Asian language speakers with the rolling guttural sound of a western ‘R’ is clearly documented in the bold fashion statement on this T-shirt, themed COFFEE BLEAK! However, it may also be worn to quietly protest the meek caffeinated offerings in your office canteen.
The highlight of this presentation are without any doubt these two gender specific coffee packs. Let’s first look at the MEN’s COFFEE. Sturdy packaged in a tin can are 8 × 12 gram coffee powder sticks. Whenever, wherever the need for such a, no doubt strong, substance may arise, it’s there to help. A golden tanned, muscled, shaved, oiled caucasian dude straight from the ‘80s grins at me encouragingly from behind a layer of coffee beans. SUPERIORE written on a banderole over his chest. I appreciate the hint of Italian-ness here.
“BO HELP THICKENING”, he says. Hmm, the dude maybe named BO, but he sounds more like Sylvester Stallone. “DELAY SPERMITIGENIC”. Sounds a bit scary, but coffee in its chemical contents is still full of wonders even to scientists. And maybe the Chinese one-child rule requires ‘spermitigenic’ qualities from all coffees now.
Then there’s this claim: SPONGIFORM ACTIVATED, THE SUPPLEMENTAL NUTRITION TO REMOVE ALL KINDS OF TIRED. THE SECOND MOST POWERFUL ERECTION. Wonder what causes the first powerful erection? Maybe they should reduce the ‘spongiform activation’ a tad? It’s BIO and 100% Natural, but…only now I saw the cup handle!!! This is some really strong stuff when it can arouse even a harmless coffee cup…
Yet for a proper date what does a girl want when you invite her for coffee upstairs? A cup of WOMAN’S COFFEE of course. A caucasian blonde stripped to a thong & garters shows that it’s not the usual Starbucks fare being served here.
The KEEP IT AWAY FROM CHILDREN warning verifies it’s effectiveness on adult females. The BIO sticker from the male version is not present here, so some chemical additives can be expected. But ladies are more difficult in the erogenous department, so we shouldn’t hold that against the makers.
IT IS AMERICAS MASTERWORK OF SENTIMENT SPICE WHICH CAN MEET YOUR EVERY NEED AND IMAGINATION AND GIVE YOU UNLIMITED SURPRISE AND UNEXPECTED SATISFACTION. Now if this doesn’t get the gal to hit the sheets with you, what else could?
Coffee—the American Masterwork of Sentiment Spice. Not for all the tea in China, fellas…